Rainbow After the Rain

In October 2019, I proudly declared that I was going to start blogging again after a one year hiatus. Goodbye Inner Critic; hello again Old Blog! Then in January 2020, I proudly declared that I was saying “no” to everything. “No” to social events, “no” to things I didn’t want to do, “no” to yearly goals, and apparently “no” to blogging because I haven’t written anything since. Well, more accurately, I haven’t published anything since. I’ve written hundreds of posts in my head and in my journal. But I haven’t shared them. Why? Sometimes it’s that nagging voice in my head – that’s been done before, no one wants to read that, I don’t write well enough to discuss that topic. A voice from my childhood tells me your opinion doesn’t matter. But all those unpublished ideas made me curious. What’s changed? I used to share all the time without feeling those same insecurities.

So I went back to square one. Why did I start a blog in the first place? It was still sort of trendy to blog back in 2013 when I started it. I’m pretty sure I called it “Coop’s Corner” at the time? I don’t even remember. But basically, we were one of the first couples in our friend group to get married and buy a house (shortly after, also the first to have a baby). Home renovation shows like Fixer Upper, Flip or Flop, and Property Brothers were all the rage. So I thought I would share our home projects.

Wait, I need to step back even further. I love to write. I always have. I wrote a lot of stories as a kid. And the first place I shared my writing was of course, on my MySpace page (might as well insert a laughing emoji here, because if my side part and skinny jeans don’t show my age, the revelation that I had a MySpace page definitely will). I basically used it as a public diary, complete with lots of vague confessions and inside jokes that might only make sense if you were in my Top 8 (if you know you know). So cringey.

Anyway, back to the blog. As the “first” to do many “adult” things, everything I wrote about felt sort of revolutionary to me in my small world. Instagram was brand new and “influencers” weren’t quite a thing yet. I only followed a handful of blogs, so I didn’t quite realize the extent of how not-revolutionary my mommy-blog writing was. Insert more laughing emojis. But the other thing about being the first to buy a house and have a kid, was that it was isolating. I didn’t have anyone to share my experiences with alongside me. So writing about all that I was going through made it a little less lonely. As I reflect back now, I think what I was really seeking from my blog was 1) approval and 2) connection.

1. Approval: as someone who has always struggled with self-confidence, I wanted to hear people say, I love your stories! You’re a great mom! You are relatable, you have great ideas, you made me laugh, you had me crying. Your writing is worthy of my time.
2. Connection: like I said, it was a lonely time. I didn’t have many close friends in the same stage of life. My friends were at wine bars while I was at home nursing a baby. Sharing my writing felt like sharing a piece of me, to be seen and connected with, on topics that didn’t come up in daily conversation, like miscarriage and pumping at work.

As I’ve reflected back on my journey with writing and blogging, the biggest lightbulb moment has been the realization that for me, writing is easier than speaking. It always has been. [Call to make an appointment? Eek, no way! I’ll find a way to do it online. Tell the waiter my order is wrong? Nah, I’ll eat the pickles on my burger.] Writing gives me all the time I need to write, erase, re-write, over-analyze, sleep on it, re-read, re-write and finally publish. I can perfect my writing and my stories so that no one sees my mistakes. I can write about topics and start conversations that would be too intimidating to actually strike up in person.

Over time, my self-confidence has grown and I’ve made deeper connections. I have friends near and far that I connect with regularly. Friends who are, and aren’t, in the same phase of life. Who aren’t afraid to talk about embarrassing topics, or personal topics, or controversial topics. I went to therapy and I learned a lot about myself. I’m not seeking as much external approval and I’m more comfortable talking in person about the tricky things I used to write about. I’ve really grown so much in the past 10 years.

And yet, I do still love to write. And I do still share a lot on social media. I suppose I’ll always be seeking approval and connection because those are very human things. This past year has been especially difficult in regards to connection. Maybe that's why blogging has been on my mind lately. A year of socially-distancing is taking a toll on everyone. I am so hopeful that better days are on the horizon. A beautiful rainbow will appear after the rain. What a joy and a treasure it will be to hug our friends and laugh freely without masks. To share snacks and see smiles and sit close together. And what a greater appreciation we will all have for those every day moments when we connect in person. May we just hold on a little longer until those days return. We will connect again.

Happy "No" Year!

Ahhh, a new year. A fresh start, a new beginning. A clean slate, an open opportunity. Let’s charge into this new year, this new decade, with excitement and enthusiasm and let’s do ALL THE THINGS!

Or... not.

I didn’t come into this new year with any resolutions or any goals, which is unusual for me. I just wasn’t feeling it this time. What I was feeling, was burned out after busy holidays and traveling. I’m not good at spinning plates. Balancing too many plates means one (or more) will come crashing down, or I will come crashing down trying to keep them spinning. Some people are great at managing all the things, but I am easily overwhelmed.

So I've starting saying no to things I would usually say yes to. I’m a perpetual “yes person”. Will you help with meeting? Yes. Can you stay late? Yes. Would you pick up the cake? Sure. Could you volunteer for the project? Yep! Will you be at the event? Always. And if I ever need or want to say no to something, I feel obligated to give a reason or excuse. I can’t because I have a dentist appointment. I wish I could but we’re out of town. I would but Mackenzie has been sick. I can’t because I already have 6 things on my calendar for Tuesday.

Before the holidays, I heard an interesting discussion about saying no to things, and that “No.” is a complete sentence. It doesn’t require an excuse or an explanation. And sometimes even good things need to be turned down in order to leave margin in our lives. 

It didn’t resonate with me right away. In fact, I thought, I could never do that. I constantly feel the need to justify my actions to myself and to everyone else (even though no one asked me to). The thought of saying no to a good or reasonable thing without offering a compelling excuse sounded impossible. Until....

Maddie brought home a reading log in her blue folder. Read and record 10 hours in 10 weeks for a free ticket to Schlitterbahn. I instantly felt weighed down by the log. One more spinning plate to balance. So, I threw it in the trash. And then I nearly retrieved it because my goodness, what had come over me!? But I didn’t retrieve it. In fact, I smiled about that piece of paper in the trash and I felt lighter, freer. Of course, I did have to explain to a very disappointed Maddie that I was not going to track and log 60+ books for her to receive a $40 ticket voucher to a water park that she’s too young to really enjoy. But guess what? She got over it. Hasn’t even mentioned it since.

That one small act of defiance felt so liberating, that I decided to try it again. In the past few weeks, I’ve said no to a lot of things that I would normally say yes to, such as:

• an evening volunteer opportunity

• a book club book that didn’t catch my attention

• baking homemade banana muffins (even though it was in my meal plan)

• a holiday party that was giving me anxiety

• social media for a week

• an offer of babysitting on NYE

• a play date after a busy weekend

• multiple birthday parties on the same day

• setting an annual reading goal

• a scholastic book sale flyer

Obviously, none of these are earth-moving events. But the culmination of all of them together has given me fresh air to breathe.

Don’t worry, I’m not just lounging on the couch Netflix binging all day. I have still said yes to many things. It’s just that I’m just saying yes to the most important things. The things that bring me the most contentment or feel the most valuable. And no to the things that feel like a burden, a heavy weight, or a dark cloud on my sunny day.

Are you feeling overwhelmed? Try saying no to something!

'Tis the Season to Skip Social

Have you ever taken a break from social media?

I'm sort of embarrassed to admit this, and for the sake of humanity, I hope I'm in the minority here, but the truth is that I have most likely logged into Facebook every single day since I got Facebook in the summer of 2005. That's nearly 15 years of social media on the daily. And I have a lot of mixed feelings about that.

I never really felt that bothered by my phone or social media usage until Apple introduced Screen Time reports. When I saw those reports, I was appalled and immediately defensive. That can't be right. I left my phone on to read a recipe while I cooked dinner. I used my maps app while driving today. I was searching for useful after-school activities on Pinterest. This report is flawed. But week after week, the results kept coming back the same. Averaging between 3-4 hours A DAY on my phone. That's a whopping 21-28 hours PER WEEK. I could work a part time job in that amount of time. I could read several books. I could run a hundred miles. I could build 50 block towers and do 20 puzzles and sing 30 songs with my kids. I could write more. I could sleep more. I could have more conversations. I could stop comparing myself to everyone else. I could stop measuring my worth in likes. I could set a better example for my girls.

While it's true that I do use my phone for useful things like recipes and maps, it's also true that more than half of my usage tends to be on social media apps. But why? For me, it's mostly FOMO. It's been a lifelong plague for me, that Fear of Missing Out. It's why I say yes to every invite and attend every event. What if I miss something fun? What if someone tells a hilarious story? What if everyone is making memories without me? And on social media, what if I miss Ashley's post that she's expecting a baby? Or that tear-jerking article that Jennifer shared? Or those adorable photos of Emily's kids in their matching sweaters?

Lately though, I've been considering the notion that what I'm actually missing out on, are the things right in front of me. What if I miss Maddie's rockin' new dance move? Or Mackenzie's adorable voice singing to her baby dolls? Or a chance to connect with my husband? What if I look back on these years and calculate that 25 hours per week equals 1,300 hours per year, and 1,300 hours divided by 24 hours in a day equals 54 DAYS PER YEAR spent on my phone. Days I will never get back.

Anyway, all this to say, I'm going to try something new (to me) this Christmas. I'm going to delete my social media apps and check out completely for a week. Will the world fall apart? No. Will I miss some sweet photos of your kiddos by the tree? Yes. I'm sorry in advance that I won't be here to comment on their precious grins and I will be sad not to see your photos. But I won't be sorry for those extra hours spent playing on the floor and enjoying time with my family.

Merry Christmas, and I'll "see" you in January!

The Critic

It’s my birthday today!  If you know me well, you know how much I love birthdays. I love to celebrate, and I love to be reflective and nostalgic. Facebook “memories” around this time of year are my favorite. They’re full of quotes like this one: “Casey Cooper is… thinking this might be the best week ever.” on October 22, 2007 at 9:12am. [Remember when your Facebook status had to start with “ is…  ”?? Haha! Vintage Facebook.]

Recently, a memory popped up with a link to my old forgotten blog, when I invented the 3.1-31-31 challenge for myself last year. And that blog link really had me feeling nostalgic.

Last fall, I decided to stop writing on my blog after my “31” posts sort of flopped, and someone told me I was just a wannabe who would never been a legit blogger. She said I was a mediocre writer with intentionally bad grammar and boring topics. No one cares about your little mommy blog, she said. It’s a waste of time and an embarrassment that you’re still doing it. You don’t have the talent and you don’t have anything valuable to share.

I felt defeated and disheartened. For years, I’d found joy in sharing my writing, but suddenly blogging was dead. Instagram was queen. Influencers were younger and cooler than bloggers. I bought into my critic’s narrative, even though it contradicted all the compliments I’d received over the years. To this day, I still receive thank you’s for writing about vulnerable topics like my miscarriage. Perhaps, in the face of the critiques, I might have considered the fact that I’m not a self-help guru. I’m just an average parent going through relatable parenting struggles. I could have simply altered my topics and continued on with my happy little blog. Instead, I bought into the notion that I am actually a terrible writer who should absolutely stop sharing her writing altogether.

But the thing is, my entire post-collegiate adult life is on this blog. It’s been a labor of love. I started it when we moved to Austin and when we bought our first home. I wrote about my husband, our first baby, being a mom, the loss of our dog, and heck, even pumping at work. I explained my decision to leave my job. I got political and vulnerable and I tried to be inspirational. I attempted to be educational and I became Pinterest famous. My miscarriage gave my friends community, my VBAC story gave them encouragement, and my piece on restlessness was relatable to people in many stages of life. Then, despite all these great posts and memories, my posts about health/running were received with mediocre enthusiasm so I decided it was The End. The End of my blogging career. Forever.

But, is it really The End? Do I want it to be over? I’m not sure. So here I am again. I don't have aspirations to be a famous writer, but I do enjoy sharing my writing with my small community. And I'm going to be a bit more cautious when I listen to my Inner Critic.

31 Candles

I'm celebrating my 31st birthday tomorrow! I love birthdays. I don't mind getting older and I love any reason to celebrate, really. I actually considered titling this post something very vague and ominous though, because interestingly, significantly fewer people read my posts about happy things. Sad or difficult things get the highest view count. Case in point:

Healthy Oatmeal Banana Breakfast "Cookies" - 119 views
The Colic Days - 357 views

And honestly, 30 of those views on the cookies were probably just me going back and looking at my own recipe. Speaking of view counts, here's a fun fact, my highest viewed post is this one about our IKEA step stool. A whopping 30,376 views! Isn't that wild!? If you want my autogr- just kidding.

Anyway, back to the point here. 31 is not a traditional "milestone" year, but it was a year of many positive changes for me. When I turned 30 last fall, I was in a dark place with a 3 year old and a 6 month old. I wasn't sleeping and we were all crying a lot. But as the year carried on, I did several things that really helped bring me back to a place of peace and happiness. Some of them were small and some of them were big, but every little thing counts. As I celebrate this birthday, I am so incredibly grateful for my beautiful family, my simple but special life, and the opportunities that lay before me for the next year.

Without further ado, here are the changes I made this year:

1) I organized my closet. This may sound ridiculous, but it was a real pain point in my life. So when we moved, I took a few hours and went through every single item in my closet. Well wait, before I did that, I made a detailed list of all my "categories" of clothes (i.e. casual tees, sweatshirts, work clothes, long sleeve blouses, etc) and I designated a spot in the closet for every category. Then I painstakingly went through every item, assessed it for size, fit, and actual likelihood of wear, then either hung it in the correct place or put it in the donate bin. Now it's easy to find what I'm looking for and I'm actually motivated to keep it all in order. Plus I pared down my wardrobe to items that I truly enjoy. And another fun fact, several of the sections are actually organized by color :) because I'm Type A like that.

2) I bought a gratitude journal. Taking the time to give thanks for the many blessings in my life just puts me in such a happy, peaceful place. The journal I bought has quotes and prompts and pretty floral pages. I had lofty goals for how often I would journal and I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be, but I figure I've got to start somewhere. Also sort of related to this, I'm doing Rachel Hollis' #last90days which also had a gratitude component. Haven't heard of #last90 days? Look it up on Instagram for some great motivation! 

3) I started exercising again. I'm only 4 months in on this, but wow, exercising has had such a positive impact on my health and well-being. Running regularly has improved my energy levels and self-confidence. I already wrote in detail about how I started the new habit of running, but I'll just quickly say that making very specific plans for exercising has been key for me.

4) I wrote out an entire monthly meal plan and weekly grocery lists, printed all the recipes, and organized them in a binder. This task sounds daunting, but it was actually really easy. And incredibly helpful. Before I did this, I used to write out a meal plan every Sunday, along with a list of groceries I needed. I had a running list of meal ideas, but every week I would start from scratch looking through that list and choosing every breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the week (trying not to repeat chicken meals 3 nights in a row, making sure we hadn't had that meal the week before, ensuring we didn't eat Mexican food at every meal, etc). I hated it. I dreaded meal planning so much. Finally I had an epiphany- what if I created an entire month of meal plans and then just keep repeating it! If anyone is actually interested in my process here, I'll gladly write a separate post about meal planning. I'm sort of proud of myself on this one ;)

5) I'm on my way to really embracing my hair. I did several things this year: I cut off 8 inches for a fresh start, I stopped heat styling 90% of the time, I loosely follow the Curly Girl Method (thank you to my cousin Haley for introducing me!) and I decided not to hide my grays. Some days I still feel embarrassed by my frizzy waves and my silver streaks, but most days, I'm really happy with my low maintenance, natural hair. Will I ever go back to straightening? Probably not. Will I ever dye my hair? (It's NEVER been dyed!) I'm not sure. I've heard many women say, "I've dyed my hair so much, I don't even know what my natural color is any more!" And I don't want that for myself right now. I've always liked my brunette hair, and I'm pretty curious what it will look like if I let my grays grow out. So for now, I'm embracing it.

6) I rearranged the app icons on my phone. This is another one of those little organizational things that was such a face-palm moment for me. For literally years, I accumulated apps on my phone and arranged them in absolutely zero order. Some of the apps I used daily were on my 3rd screen over. So I went through and removed apps I no longer used, and then arranged the remaining apps in order of use or in categories. Everything I use daily is on the first screen, because, duh! That's so logical! And apps I rarely use but don't want to get rid of entirely (like the Domino's pizza app) are on the 2nd and 3rd screens. It probably took me an hour to do, but it's so great having everything I "need" on my home screen! Sometimes it really is the little things in life.

7) I unfollowed people on Facebook/Instagram. Have you ever done this? Oh my gosh, it is SO liberating. You don't have to completely "unfriend" them if you don't want to, but you can secretly and quietly just unfollow their posts. I've spent some time this year really cultivating the type of online community that motivates me, helps me grow, and makes me happy. While I do think it is important to have a broad base of friends and perspectives, I also think there is something wonderful about choosing the content you want to see. If someone's posts just irritate you to your core daily, simply unfollow them. I promise you, you will not regret it one bit and you will not miss them one bit. 

And as I move on into the next year, I have a few more changes I'd like to make to improve my overall health, happiness, and fulfillment. First, I want so badly to adopt an "early to bed, early to rise" approach to sleep and productiveness. I waste ridiculous amounts of time in the evenings doing stupid stuff like scrolling through Facebook and online shopping, but when I do wake up early, I use my time much more wisely. For some reason, I just cannot kick this habit of staying up late. Perhaps I need to make more specific goals for myself. Second, I want to be a more patient parent. This may surprise you because I seem pretty mild-mannered, but man my kids know how to get under my skin. Or maybe my expectations of them are unrealistic? Maybe they need more undivided attention? More boundaries? More affection? I'm not entirely sure what's going on here, but I'm striving to be a better parent. I have a stack of books I'm planning to read and I'm going to prioritize it this year. And third, I want to be more altruistic. Not necessarily in monetary terms, but more so in my actions. My heart is already there, but I want to ensure my behaviors are reflective of my heart. I feel sort of limited with this because I stay home with the kids and they're always with me, so there's not a ton of free time for volunteering, but I'm brainstorming.

Anyway, if you've made it this far, thank you for "listening". Most of my writing is more for me than you but occasionally I come up with something that I think others might benefit from too! So I hope you at least got one idea that might make your life better/easier too.

Here's to 31!

How I Created a New Healthy Habit [A Running Update]

The 5K I've been training for is less than 2 weeks away. To recap real quick, I started running again back in July, and my goal is to run the 5K in 31 minutes (3.1 miles in 31 minutes for my 31st birthday, which is at the end of this month). I do realize that a 10 minute mile is not very fast, and a lot of people would find my goal laughable. But the last time I worked out regularly was in the spring of 2012 (before my wedding), and between then and now, I've carried and birthed two children. So, no, I'm not starting out with a goal of getting the first place prize in a marathon. I need my goal to be realistic and achievable, but still challenging and fun for me. So smirk if you want, I don't mind, I'm ok with starting slow. I'm proud of myself, my plan, and my progress.

Since July 15th, I have run at least 3 times a week every single week. I've met my first two milestones: run 2 miles in 20 mins by 8/20 and 2.5 miles in 25 mins by 9/20. And I'm currently working on my third milestone: run 3 miles every run in October. I've run over 85 cumulative miles so far, and by the time I finish the 5K, I will have logged nearly 115 miles. If you know anything about me and my history with exercise, you'd know that it's pretty much nonexistent. My biography would read, "During her 20s, Casey was quite sedentary. She had a brief but successful stint with Camp Gladiator before becoming pregnant with her first child, and subsequently abandoning any and all rigorous physical activity."

Joking aside, I really was a total flake on any exercise plans I set out for myself. In between pregnancies, I sort of had this "what's the point of exercising now? My body is just going to balloon again" attitude. I'm not a morning person, so waking up before the kids to work out sounded like a terrible idea. And if I exercised in the evening, I had a hard time winding down. For a while I did some at-home cardio stuff in the living room while Maddie napped, but that didn't last long either. Basically I was lacking in motivation, will power, and confidence. But it's not that I didn't care. It loomed over me all the time. I knew I should be taking better care of my body and I was always frustrated with my weight and shape.

So what changed? How did I finally kick my butt into gear? How did I convince myself to go running even when I didn't sleep well, and it was hot outside, and it was dark outside, and my head hurt and my feet hurt and I just washed my hair yesterday?

A few things changed, really. First and foremost, my kids started sleeping better. I don't do well on limited sleep, and I was a zombie for quite a while during the phases in which my kids were waking multiple times in the night. Second of all, maybe this is cheesy, but I read a really great book called "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis. I highly recommend it. One of the key themes that really resonated with me is this idea that you are in control of your life. Certainly there are things that happen to you that are out of your control, but you are in control of so much more. The decisions you make every day contribute to the person you are and the person you'll become. And no one else is going to do it for you. No one but me can make me run in the morning. It's completely on me. Another thing Rachel emphasizes is that you should never break a promise to yourself. Because when you build a habit of continually flaking on your own plans, your brain subconsciously learns that you can't be trusted, that you'll never complete what you started, and that you'll never succeed in your plans.

Step one for me was setting a goal and making a plan. I ran one mile to see just how out of shape I was, I spent some time researching couch-to-5k plans, and I wrote out all my ideas. I was really specific in my goals and plans (like when and how many times I would run, where I would run, what time I would run, etc).

Step two was to promise myself that I would see this through. And really mean it.

Step three was this realization: I'm not a morning person, ever. It doesn't matter if I've had 5 hours of sleep or 9 hours of sleep, I won't want to get out of bed. My alarm could be set for 6:15am or 7:00am... and either way I wouldn't want to wake up. So then, if I still won't want to roll out of bed at 7:00, I might as well just get up at 6:15 and go for a run because I know it is the healthy choice to make! Does that resonate with anyone? [Side note: I have since discovered that running in the morning gives me SO MUCH MORE ENERGY than sleeping for 30 more mins. Also, my anxiety is significantly lower on days I exercise. It's fascinating to me because I've always been one to sleep until the very last minute and hit the snooze button several times because I thought that's what I needed.]

Step four was to set out my running clothes the night before I planned to run. Since I started doing this in July, I haven't ONCE skipped a run if I laid out my clothes the night before. This step is two-fold for me. First, it's one less thing to do in the morning, and second, I would feel so guilty if I had to get ready for the day standing next to my running clothes neatly laid out on the bathroom counter.

Step five was all the little nuances, trial and error things, and keeping myself motivated. When I started running, well, I should say run/walking intervals, I was listening to podcasts. It was enjoyable. But one day I decided to listen to music instead, and holy moly, my pace increased significantly. For me, the faster the beat, the faster I run! My favorite pump-up jams right now are "Good Morning" by Max Frost and "Girl Gang" by Gin Wigmore. So depending on your activity and goals, the sound in your headphones might make a difference. I also wrote a cutesy "31" on my closet mirror as a daily reminder of my goal, and I've been putting up inspirational quotes on a chalkboard in my room. I came up with a couple mantras to tell myself when I'm running and I want to quit - cliche things like, "Nothing worth having comes easily."

I'm not telling you any of this to brag - trust me, my achievements and exercise habits are far from bragworthy - so I hope this doesn't come off as braggy. I'm telling you all of this in case you're considering trying something new. Exercise or eating better or cooking at home or reading or watching less TV or anything at all really. If I can cultivate a habit of running in the morning, you too can do something totally out of character and routine. You've totally got this. Commit to something and do everything you can to see it through! You only have one life to live - don't let fear or excuses prevent you from living your best life.