I know, I know. I just posted about how happy I am right now. I'm trying really hard to be happy in my life right now, and most days I am. But some days, I just feel restless.
Maybe it's because things are changing at work. You might recall, I joined a program where I'm taking 5 years away from my career for full-time parenting. My team is growing, in numbers and in experience, and I'm not there to see it. I'm not growing with it. You can't have your cake and eat it too, I know this. I knew this when I joined the program. I'm still confident in my decision to stay home with Maddie... it's just a hard pill to swallow that life goes on without me.
Maybe it's because this coming Thursday would have been baby #2's due date. It still stings that I won't have my June baby. I look at Maddie and think, she would be such a good big sister right now. Or maybe it's because I've finally overcome my pain and fear, and I'd like to try again for another baby... but we have to plan our lives around tax season. March isn't a great time to bring a newborn home.
Maybe it's because I've been watching entirely too much Friday Night Lights and it's left me thinking about how nice it would be to move back to my hometown. It was such a nice, quiet place to grow up, and it would be amazing to live closer to my parents (aka the babysitters). Our current neighborhood is changing - more crime, more construction - and I'm frustrated with our home's floor plan.
Maybe it's because I feel like I've lost myself to motherhood. Some days I feel like I'm looking at a not-quite-right doppelganger of myself in the mirror. As I adjust the "mom clothes" that cover my "mom bod" I wonder, what happened? Physically, I'm not the same. Emotionally, I'm not the same. In many ways I've changed for the better. But sometimes I just miss the person I was before I spent my days folding laundry, cooking dinner, singing Old McDonald, and saying over and over and over "I'm going to count to 5! 1...2...3..." I miss my friends, my hobbies, my freedom.
This restlessness... it's probably because all of these things are out of my control and none of them are going to change any time soon. I tend to be a "right here, right now" type of girl, so practicing patience is a struggle. I've gone from 80mph to 30mph on the highway of life, and some days I just want my little red mustang back. The one I got in high school, with the hail dents and the stench of soccer cleats. I'd like to cruise in the sports car rather than the soccer mom car, the one with the goldfish crumbs and the stench of spilled milk.
BUT... tomorrow. Tomorrow, we're going to load up that mom car and take it to the beach. We're going to soak in the salty air, the sun rays, and the good times. We'll play in the sand, eat like we're not on Whole30, and we'll stay up past bedtime. Maybe a little adventure will be the cure for my restless feelings.... or at least a bandaid for now, while I come to terms with this slow season of life.