31 Candles

I'm celebrating my 31st birthday tomorrow! I love birthdays. I don't mind getting older and I love any reason to celebrate, really. I actually considered titling this post something very vague and ominous though, because interestingly, significantly fewer people read my posts about happy things. Sad or difficult things get the highest view count. Case in point:

Healthy Oatmeal Banana Breakfast "Cookies" - 119 views
The Colic Days - 357 views

And honestly, 30 of those views on the cookies were probably just me going back and looking at my own recipe. Speaking of view counts, here's a fun fact, my highest viewed post is this one about our IKEA step stool. A whopping 30,376 views! Isn't that wild!? If you want my autogr- just kidding.

Anyway, back to the point here. 31 is not a traditional "milestone" year, but it was a year of many positive changes for me. When I turned 30 last fall, I was in a dark place with a 3 year old and a 6 month old. I wasn't sleeping and we were all crying a lot. But as the year carried on, I did several things that really helped bring me back to a place of peace and happiness. Some of them were small and some of them were big, but every little thing counts. As I celebrate this birthday, I am so incredibly grateful for my beautiful family, my simple but special life, and the opportunities that lay before me for the next year.

Without further ado, here are the changes I made this year:

1) I organized my closet. This may sound ridiculous, but it was a real pain point in my life. So when we moved, I took a few hours and went through every single item in my closet. Well wait, before I did that, I made a detailed list of all my "categories" of clothes (i.e. casual tees, sweatshirts, work clothes, long sleeve blouses, etc) and I designated a spot in the closet for every category. Then I painstakingly went through every item, assessed it for size, fit, and actual likelihood of wear, then either hung it in the correct place or put it in the donate bin. Now it's easy to find what I'm looking for and I'm actually motivated to keep it all in order. Plus I pared down my wardrobe to items that I truly enjoy. And another fun fact, several of the sections are actually organized by color :) because I'm Type A like that.

2) I bought a gratitude journal. Taking the time to give thanks for the many blessings in my life just puts me in such a happy, peaceful place. The journal I bought has quotes and prompts and pretty floral pages. I had lofty goals for how often I would journal and I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be, but I figure I've got to start somewhere. Also sort of related to this, I'm doing Rachel Hollis' #last90days which also had a gratitude component. Haven't heard of #last90 days? Look it up on Instagram for some great motivation! 

3) I started exercising again. I'm only 4 months in on this, but wow, exercising has had such a positive impact on my health and well-being. Running regularly has improved my energy levels and self-confidence. I already wrote in detail about how I started the new habit of running, but I'll just quickly say that making very specific plans for exercising has been key for me.

4) I wrote out an entire monthly meal plan and weekly grocery lists, printed all the recipes, and organized them in a binder. This task sounds daunting, but it was actually really easy. And incredibly helpful. Before I did this, I used to write out a meal plan every Sunday, along with a list of groceries I needed. I had a running list of meal ideas, but every week I would start from scratch looking through that list and choosing every breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the week (trying not to repeat chicken meals 3 nights in a row, making sure we hadn't had that meal the week before, ensuring we didn't eat Mexican food at every meal, etc). I hated it. I dreaded meal planning so much. Finally I had an epiphany- what if I created an entire month of meal plans and then just keep repeating it! If anyone is actually interested in my process here, I'll gladly write a separate post about meal planning. I'm sort of proud of myself on this one ;)

5) I'm on my way to really embracing my hair. I did several things this year: I cut off 8 inches for a fresh start, I stopped heat styling 90% of the time, I loosely follow the Curly Girl Method (thank you to my cousin Haley for introducing me!) and I decided not to hide my grays. Some days I still feel embarrassed by my frizzy waves and my silver streaks, but most days, I'm really happy with my low maintenance, natural hair. Will I ever go back to straightening? Probably not. Will I ever dye my hair? (It's NEVER been dyed!) I'm not sure. I've heard many women say, "I've dyed my hair so much, I don't even know what my natural color is any more!" And I don't want that for myself right now. I've always liked my brunette hair, and I'm pretty curious what it will look like if I let my grays grow out. So for now, I'm embracing it.

6) I rearranged the app icons on my phone. This is another one of those little organizational things that was such a face-palm moment for me. For literally years, I accumulated apps on my phone and arranged them in absolutely zero order. Some of the apps I used daily were on my 3rd screen over. So I went through and removed apps I no longer used, and then arranged the remaining apps in order of use or in categories. Everything I use daily is on the first screen, because, duh! That's so logical! And apps I rarely use but don't want to get rid of entirely (like the Domino's pizza app) are on the 2nd and 3rd screens. It probably took me an hour to do, but it's so great having everything I "need" on my home screen! Sometimes it really is the little things in life.

7) I unfollowed people on Facebook/Instagram. Have you ever done this? Oh my gosh, it is SO liberating. You don't have to completely "unfriend" them if you don't want to, but you can secretly and quietly just unfollow their posts. I've spent some time this year really cultivating the type of online community that motivates me, helps me grow, and makes me happy. While I do think it is important to have a broad base of friends and perspectives, I also think there is something wonderful about choosing the content you want to see. If someone's posts just irritate you to your core daily, simply unfollow them. I promise you, you will not regret it one bit and you will not miss them one bit. 

And as I move on into the next year, I have a few more changes I'd like to make to improve my overall health, happiness, and fulfillment. First, I want so badly to adopt an "early to bed, early to rise" approach to sleep and productiveness. I waste ridiculous amounts of time in the evenings doing stupid stuff like scrolling through Facebook and online shopping, but when I do wake up early, I use my time much more wisely. For some reason, I just cannot kick this habit of staying up late. Perhaps I need to make more specific goals for myself. Second, I want to be a more patient parent. This may surprise you because I seem pretty mild-mannered, but man my kids know how to get under my skin. Or maybe my expectations of them are unrealistic? Maybe they need more undivided attention? More boundaries? More affection? I'm not entirely sure what's going on here, but I'm striving to be a better parent. I have a stack of books I'm planning to read and I'm going to prioritize it this year. And third, I want to be more altruistic. Not necessarily in monetary terms, but more so in my actions. My heart is already there, but I want to ensure my behaviors are reflective of my heart. I feel sort of limited with this because I stay home with the kids and they're always with me, so there's not a ton of free time for volunteering, but I'm brainstorming.

Anyway, if you've made it this far, thank you for "listening". Most of my writing is more for me than you but occasionally I come up with something that I think others might benefit from too! So I hope you at least got one idea that might make your life better/easier too.

Here's to 31!

How I Created a New Healthy Habit [A Running Update]

The 5K I've been training for is less than 2 weeks away. To recap real quick, I started running again back in July, and my goal is to run the 5K in 31 minutes (3.1 miles in 31 minutes for my 31st birthday, which is at the end of this month). I do realize that a 10 minute mile is not very fast, and a lot of people would find my goal laughable. But the last time I worked out regularly was in the spring of 2012 (before my wedding), and between then and now, I've carried and birthed two children. So, no, I'm not starting out with a goal of getting the first place prize in a marathon. I need my goal to be realistic and achievable, but still challenging and fun for me. So smirk if you want, I don't mind, I'm ok with starting slow. I'm proud of myself, my plan, and my progress.

Since July 15th, I have run at least 3 times a week every single week. I've met my first two milestones: run 2 miles in 20 mins by 8/20 and 2.5 miles in 25 mins by 9/20. And I'm currently working on my third milestone: run 3 miles every run in October. I've run over 85 cumulative miles so far, and by the time I finish the 5K, I will have logged nearly 115 miles. If you know anything about me and my history with exercise, you'd know that it's pretty much nonexistent. My biography would read, "During her 20s, Casey was quite sedentary. She had a brief but successful stint with Camp Gladiator before becoming pregnant with her first child, and subsequently abandoning any and all rigorous physical activity."

Joking aside, I really was a total flake on any exercise plans I set out for myself. In between pregnancies, I sort of had this "what's the point of exercising now? My body is just going to balloon again" attitude. I'm not a morning person, so waking up before the kids to work out sounded like a terrible idea. And if I exercised in the evening, I had a hard time winding down. For a while I did some at-home cardio stuff in the living room while Maddie napped, but that didn't last long either. Basically I was lacking in motivation, will power, and confidence. But it's not that I didn't care. It loomed over me all the time. I knew I should be taking better care of my body and I was always frustrated with my weight and shape.

So what changed? How did I finally kick my butt into gear? How did I convince myself to go running even when I didn't sleep well, and it was hot outside, and it was dark outside, and my head hurt and my feet hurt and I just washed my hair yesterday?

A few things changed, really. First and foremost, my kids started sleeping better. I don't do well on limited sleep, and I was a zombie for quite a while during the phases in which my kids were waking multiple times in the night. Second of all, maybe this is cheesy, but I read a really great book called "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis. I highly recommend it. One of the key themes that really resonated with me is this idea that you are in control of your life. Certainly there are things that happen to you that are out of your control, but you are in control of so much more. The decisions you make every day contribute to the person you are and the person you'll become. And no one else is going to do it for you. No one but me can make me run in the morning. It's completely on me. Another thing Rachel emphasizes is that you should never break a promise to yourself. Because when you build a habit of continually flaking on your own plans, your brain subconsciously learns that you can't be trusted, that you'll never complete what you started, and that you'll never succeed in your plans.

Step one for me was setting a goal and making a plan. I ran one mile to see just how out of shape I was, I spent some time researching couch-to-5k plans, and I wrote out all my ideas. I was really specific in my goals and plans (like when and how many times I would run, where I would run, what time I would run, etc).

Step two was to promise myself that I would see this through. And really mean it.

Step three was this realization: I'm not a morning person, ever. It doesn't matter if I've had 5 hours of sleep or 9 hours of sleep, I won't want to get out of bed. My alarm could be set for 6:15am or 7:00am... and either way I wouldn't want to wake up. So then, if I still won't want to roll out of bed at 7:00, I might as well just get up at 6:15 and go for a run because I know it is the healthy choice to make! Does that resonate with anyone? [Side note: I have since discovered that running in the morning gives me SO MUCH MORE ENERGY than sleeping for 30 more mins. Also, my anxiety is significantly lower on days I exercise. It's fascinating to me because I've always been one to sleep until the very last minute and hit the snooze button several times because I thought that's what I needed.]

Step four was to set out my running clothes the night before I planned to run. Since I started doing this in July, I haven't ONCE skipped a run if I laid out my clothes the night before. This step is two-fold for me. First, it's one less thing to do in the morning, and second, I would feel so guilty if I had to get ready for the day standing next to my running clothes neatly laid out on the bathroom counter.

Step five was all the little nuances, trial and error things, and keeping myself motivated. When I started running, well, I should say run/walking intervals, I was listening to podcasts. It was enjoyable. But one day I decided to listen to music instead, and holy moly, my pace increased significantly. For me, the faster the beat, the faster I run! My favorite pump-up jams right now are "Good Morning" by Max Frost and "Girl Gang" by Gin Wigmore. So depending on your activity and goals, the sound in your headphones might make a difference. I also wrote a cutesy "31" on my closet mirror as a daily reminder of my goal, and I've been putting up inspirational quotes on a chalkboard in my room. I came up with a couple mantras to tell myself when I'm running and I want to quit - cliche things like, "Nothing worth having comes easily."

I'm not telling you any of this to brag - trust me, my achievements and exercise habits are far from bragworthy - so I hope this doesn't come off as braggy. I'm telling you all of this in case you're considering trying something new. Exercise or eating better or cooking at home or reading or watching less TV or anything at all really. If I can cultivate a habit of running in the morning, you too can do something totally out of character and routine. You've totally got this. Commit to something and do everything you can to see it through! You only have one life to live - don't let fear or excuses prevent you from living your best life.

Teeny Tiny Mackenzie

I've been putting off writing this post for a while. I wouldn't say I'm in denial, but I guess I just don't want it to be happening. And writing it down seems to solidify it as a real thing. Usually when I write about something, it's because I'm really excited or feeling really passionate, or because writing is cathartic for me. I tend to write about things after the fact, when I'm on the other side, and when I've learned something by going through it. But in this case, I'm still in the thick of it- er, the thin of it, I guess. I don't have any great perspectives to share yet. But by not sharing what we're going through, I feel like I'm only sharing our family highlight reel on social media. And I don't want to be a part of that.

Mackenzie has always been fairly small. She was born full-term at 40 weeks 2 days, weighing 6 pounds 9 ounces, putting her in the 29th percentile for weight. For the next 10 months, she trended right along the 15th percentile for both height and weight. And then, she just sort of stopped growing. Between her 9.5 month appointment and her 15 month appointment, she only gained 10 ounces. Her official weight at her 15 month appointment was a mere 16 pounds 11 ounces, which is in the 2nd percentile. Anyway, that's a lot of numbers (even for an accountant), but the gist of it is, Mackenzie is teeny tiny. And her pediatrician is concerned.

Before her last appointment, I sort of knew she hadn't grown much. I sold our baby scale a while back and she's too small for our adult scale, so I hadn't weighed her. But I knew she was still fitting into her 9-12 month clothes. Developmentally though, she was doing great, so I really wasn't concerned about her size. And then her pediatrician showed me her chart...

Womp womp.

Mackenzie's doctor gave us a long list of high protein, high calorie foods to include in her diet, along with instructions to really focus our attention on making sure she's eating and drinking well. We set up a weight check appointment in 4 weeks. And I walked out of that office feeling really bummed.

Most of the time I feel like I'm a pretty good mom to my girls, but suddenly I felt like quite a failure. I mean, I read to them and nurture them and slather them in sunscreen and limit their screen time. And yet, somehow I failed to do that one super important thing, that whole, make sure they grow thing. My head was spinning on the drive home. How did I let this happen? How did I not notice that she hadn't grown at all in three months? Where was I going wrong? Did I wean too soon? Did I wean too late? Did that even matter at all? I did of course know that she went through a phase for a few weeks where the only thing she wanted to eat was raisins... but how did we get to this point of nearly falling off the charts?

When I got home and read through all the lists of foods... I was actually really stumped. We already regularly ate 95% of the foods on the list. I was already providing her all of these things... eggs, cheese, beans, yogurt, oils, peanut butter, whole milk, etc. So again, that feeling of, wait, how is this happening? We eat 3 family meals every day, plus a few snacks. I would say that relative to the general population, we eat pretty dang healthy. Also, she doesn't even have any allergies, and therefore isn't limited at all in her food choices, so we totally have that going for us too. So how is this happening??

Her pediatrician asked me while we were there if meal times were a battle. And my response was no, not at all. She is always excited to come to the table and usually tries everything on her plate. She just never really eats large quantities of anything. And I hadn't been force feeding her anything, just encouraging her. She had done a mix of purees and table foods starting just before 6 months, and by 15 months was eating everything our family ate, just cut into tiny pieces of course. It feels sort of bizarre and isolating to be dealing with "slow weight gain" when there's so much media focus on childhood obesity. It's strange to be on the opposite side of the spectrum, which is equally concerning.

So over the past 3 weeks, I have been wavering between two extremes of feeling like A) a lunatic as I add tablespoons of butter to Mackenzie's foods, make bizarre super food smoothies, measure the ounces of milk I pour, and count how many bites she eats of everything on her plate... and then B)  telling myself to calm the f down crazy lady, she's perfectly fine as she is. 

Everything just feels so confusing - like her milk intake for example - she LOVES milk, but if she drinks too much milk, she'll be too full to eat a meal. But then what if she doesn't eat her meal anyway, do I give her an extra cup of milk because I know she'll drink it? or do I withhold and try to get her to eat again in 20 mins? By then she'll likely be too busy playing to have either. And what about fruits and vegetables? She loves fruit. But it generally doesn't have much caloric value. So which is more important, calories or nutrients? And which is better, getting her to eat 3 bites of something super high protein/high calorie (like almond butter), or letting her eat a whole serving of something she actually enjoys (like grapes). And she doesn't have any molars yet, so that eliminates most crunchy foods from her diet. We're on the go a lot, and I'm struggling to come up with easy/clean snacks. Then sometimes my mind wanders to... what if I didn't focus on feeding her healthy foods and just let her eat the junky Standard American Diet. Sugary cereals + chips + Kraft macaroni + juice + cookies + everything I've tried hard to only have in moderation. [No judgement intended here at all, I don't want to offend any one - we definitely enjoy all of those things too, I just really do make an effort to focus on healthy foods.] I bet she would gain weight! So would that let us off the hook? If she jumped back to her curve because she ate only crap? So then which one is really more important - eating well and setting up healthy eating habits or just gaining weight? And is all of this really worth my worry and effort, or will she just hit a growth spurt on her own one day? But then again, what if I take it too lightly and she becomes really sick or something because I wasn't focused on her nutrition?

See what I mean? Total lunatic. Ugh. Three weeks in and I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. I'm pretty sure having a psycho mom begging her to for the love, just eat at least two bites of pasta is not really helping Mackenzie. And it's certainly not good for me either.

I've reached out for advice from several friends and online communities. I received some really really great feedback, perspectives, tips and tricks, and support. But unfortunately, no magic answers. So I'm going to keep on chugging along with the peanut butter snacks and the cheesy scrambled eggs and the encouragement to have one more bite, please! And I'm going to cross my fingers that we make enough progress before our appointment next week so that I don't have to put her through any blood work and testing. Because my mother's intuition and my gut tell me that there is nothing "wrong" with her, she's just little. I don't really know where I was going with this post or how to end it, so I suppose I'll just say thank you for listening, and I'll keep you posted.

31

Earlier this summer, we joined the rec center in our neighborhood, and I started exercising a couple times a week. (Hello drop off childcare!) But my workouts were sort of lacking in direction and purpose. So about a month ago, I decided to sign up for a 5K. It’s just a local one in our neighborhood, nothing too exciting, but maybe another opportunity to meet people in our new neighborhood. And I kind of like running. Well, ok, I don't hate running.

The race is in October and it happens to be a few days before my 31st birthday. So I figured, why not set a goal for myself of finishing in under 31 minutes. 3.1 miles in 31 minutes for my 31st birthday. It's totally cheesy but I was pretty excited about it. I briefly considered posting a photo of my new tennis shoes on Instagram with a blurb about my goal as further accountability- but quickly nixed that idea. I mean, how embarrassing if I didn't make my goal and everyone knew it! Plus, I’d already told Maddie about the race. And trust me on this one, you do not tell a 4 year old about something unless you are 1000% positive it's going to happen. Also, I paid the race fee. So that seemed like enough accountability and I quietly moved on with my training. It would just be my own little thing and if I failed, no one needed to know. But it was sort of lingering in the back of my mind… I wish I could share this with everyone. I’m pretty open and share a lot on social media, so it felt like a weird secret? I don’t know. Anyone know how that feels?

Last week, I was working on a project for Maddie’s room, and I was hit pretty hard with the truth about my running goal. Maddie often struggles with self-confidence, especially when it comes to trying something new. For instance, writing a tricky alphabet letter or going down a big slide. I've been trying to build her up in every way I can before she starts preschool in a couple weeks. I’ve always loved the quote “She believed she could, so she did.” and I thought it would be the perfect addition to an empty wall in her room. I just love that idea. Believing in yourself so much that you can accomplish anything you set your mind to.

And that’s when it hit me. The reason I didn’t want to tell anyone about my goal, was because I wasn’t fully believing in myself. So I thought about my goal a little more. 3.1 miles in 31 minutes for my 31^st birthday. It’s been approximately 5 years since I've worked out, so running 10 minute miles seemed (still seems) a little daunting, but also totally doable if I put in the right amount of effort.

She believed she could, so she did.

So I gave myself a little pep talk, and I’ve been giving myself the same pep talk every day since: I believe I can meet my goal. I am going to meet my goal. I will run the 5K in under 31 minutes. I will be an example for Maddie of believing in yourself and achieving your goals.

But I’m not just going to cross my fingers and hope my shoes sprout wings on October 20^th. I’ve committed to running 3x a week, and I’ve set some milestones for myself: run 2 miles in 20 minutes by August 20^th, run 2.5 miles in 25 minutes by September 20^th, and then run 3 miles every run until October 20^th. In order to train in the mornings, I have to wake up earlier. In order to wake up earlier, I have to go to bed earlier. In order to feel good when I wake up, I can’t have a glass of wine before bed. I need to drink more water. I’ve been eating healthier foods. I’m doing everything I can to achieve my goal. And most importantly, I believe in myself!

So cheer me on, will you? Or better yet, join me in the race? If that’s not your thing, find your thing! If you’ve been quietly considering a goal, be confident. Be bold. Believe in yourself. You can do it!

She believed she could, so she did.

Families Belong Together

Hello, blog, my dear old friend. It’s been a while, huh? So let’s just catch up where we left off, shall we? The way that old friends do?

Life is finally leveling after moving to a new house, celebrating the kids’ birthdays, and going on a family vacation. And now that Mackenzie is [mostly] sleeping through the night, I’m finally getting adequate rest, and starting to feel like me again. The last time I was here, I wrote about turning a corner with colicky baby Mackenzie. I’m happy to report that she is now the happiest, easiest baby ever. She is so full of love, joy, and curiosity. Maddie is doing well, too. She really struggled with intense anxiety around the time Mackenzie was born, and again briefly last Christmas. But now, she is happy, healthy, and thriving. She’s excitedly learning her letters and dying to know what I’m talking about when I spell words out to Thomas. We are all settled into our new house and our old house is currently under contract with a closing date in late July. It was, at times, a rocky road to get to this good place we’re in, but by all accounts, our lives are pretty wonderful right now.

As I think back on that dark time we were emerging from the last time I wrote, I shudder. Mackenzie’s relentless crying, Maddie’s obsessive hand washing, and my own sleepless fog – it was such a nightmare. There wasn’t much happy going on then. There was a lot of crying and lot of questioning and a lot of fear. It was so hard and exhausting.

But…. even on our darkest of days, you know what I never once, even remotely, thought to myself? I never once thought, This place that we’re in so dangerous and so scary and so hopeless that we should leave. This country is in such despair and our lives are in jeopardy, so we need to grab the children, the clothes on our backs, and flee our home.

I mean, really, can you even imagine? I am a genuinely very empathetic person, but I just can’t even fathom weighing out that pros and cons list with Thomas. So here’s the plan: we’ll leave at midnight, we’ll be traveling roughly 2,000 miles by foot, train, and then with sketchy smugglers. The trip will take weeks and we’ll spend every last penny of our small savings. The kids will probably get sick, our shoes will wear out, and our bodies will be so worn and so weak and so sunburned. We’ll enter a country where we don’t speak the language and half the citizens don’t want us there. We’ll have nothing of value left to our names, but we’ll have each other. And we’ll have a chance at a better life. Yep, ok, let’s do this.

Can you even imagine? I mean, why would people even attempt that? I would guess it’s because things at home are absolutely that bad. That scary. That painful. And that hopeless.

And then, could you imagine, that horrifying journey is finally coming to an end. You can see the border up ahead. The sun is shining and the red, white, and blue flag is flying. Finally, so close. You can feel the relief and the excitement and the safety in your bones. Your children are going to be ok. Tremendous relief as you cross over that border. But suddenly it all comes crashing down. There are border patrol and sirens and chaos as your children are wrenched from your arms. You can’t understand anything they’re saying, but you knew it was illegal to enter the country and it was a risk worth taking. Everything you had dreamed about is suddenly crushed. Worse yet, your son and your daughter are taken from you. Your sweet babies. And for weeks, you have no idea where they are. Who is feeding them? Who is bathing them? Who is holding their hand while they fall asleep? Are they scared? Are they crying? Are they warm? Are they… alive?

It’s really just too much for me to bear. The fourth of July has always been my favorite holiday. I love everything about it – the sun, the bbq, the fireworks, the patriotism. But something just doesn’t feel right with it this year. My heart breaks for the families who wanted so badly to celebrate this holiday too, but are currently separated from one another in an unfamiliar place. I understand that it is illegal to enter the country unauthorized. I do. I am a rule follower and I appreciate laws. But I have also never been in a position to feel like taking the risk of entering another country illegally was the only way to save my family. I wish it were easier for families to seek asylum. And I 1000% believe that families belong together.

I’m not entirely sure what my point was in writing this post. I've missed writing, and this topic has been weighing heavily on my mind. I don’t have any answers and I don’t even have any ways to help. I guess I’m just looking for some community maybe? To know that I’m not alone in feeling this way? Maybe to share how my perspective of the “struggles” in my life has changed as I read stories about families crossing the border. I’m just so eternally grateful for the life I’m living. If you know of any ways we can help – please share them with me?