Rainbow After the Rain

In October 2019, I proudly declared that I was going to start blogging again after a one year hiatus. Goodbye Inner Critic; hello again Old Blog! Then in January 2020, I proudly declared that I was saying “no” to everything. “No” to social events, “no” to things I didn’t want to do, “no” to yearly goals, and apparently “no” to blogging because I haven’t written anything since. Well, more accurately, I haven’t published anything since. I’ve written hundreds of posts in my head and in my journal. But I haven’t shared them. Why? Sometimes it’s that nagging voice in my head – that’s been done before, no one wants to read that, I don’t write well enough to discuss that topic. A voice from my childhood tells me your opinion doesn’t matter. But all those unpublished ideas made me curious. What’s changed? I used to share all the time without feeling those same insecurities.

So I went back to square one. Why did I start a blog in the first place? It was still sort of trendy to blog back in 2013 when I started it. I’m pretty sure I called it “Coop’s Corner” at the time? I don’t even remember. But basically, we were one of the first couples in our friend group to get married and buy a house (shortly after, also the first to have a baby). Home renovation shows like Fixer Upper, Flip or Flop, and Property Brothers were all the rage. So I thought I would share our home projects.

Wait, I need to step back even further. I love to write. I always have. I wrote a lot of stories as a kid. And the first place I shared my writing was of course, on my MySpace page (might as well insert a laughing emoji here, because if my side part and skinny jeans don’t show my age, the revelation that I had a MySpace page definitely will). I basically used it as a public diary, complete with lots of vague confessions and inside jokes that might only make sense if you were in my Top 8 (if you know you know). So cringey.

Anyway, back to the blog. As the “first” to do many “adult” things, everything I wrote about felt sort of revolutionary to me in my small world. Instagram was brand new and “influencers” weren’t quite a thing yet. I only followed a handful of blogs, so I didn’t quite realize the extent of how not-revolutionary my mommy-blog writing was. Insert more laughing emojis. But the other thing about being the first to buy a house and have a kid, was that it was isolating. I didn’t have anyone to share my experiences with alongside me. So writing about all that I was going through made it a little less lonely. As I reflect back now, I think what I was really seeking from my blog was 1) approval and 2) connection.

1. Approval: as someone who has always struggled with self-confidence, I wanted to hear people say, I love your stories! You’re a great mom! You are relatable, you have great ideas, you made me laugh, you had me crying. Your writing is worthy of my time.
2. Connection: like I said, it was a lonely time. I didn’t have many close friends in the same stage of life. My friends were at wine bars while I was at home nursing a baby. Sharing my writing felt like sharing a piece of me, to be seen and connected with, on topics that didn’t come up in daily conversation, like miscarriage and pumping at work.

As I’ve reflected back on my journey with writing and blogging, the biggest lightbulb moment has been the realization that for me, writing is easier than speaking. It always has been. [Call to make an appointment? Eek, no way! I’ll find a way to do it online. Tell the waiter my order is wrong? Nah, I’ll eat the pickles on my burger.] Writing gives me all the time I need to write, erase, re-write, over-analyze, sleep on it, re-read, re-write and finally publish. I can perfect my writing and my stories so that no one sees my mistakes. I can write about topics and start conversations that would be too intimidating to actually strike up in person.

Over time, my self-confidence has grown and I’ve made deeper connections. I have friends near and far that I connect with regularly. Friends who are, and aren’t, in the same phase of life. Who aren’t afraid to talk about embarrassing topics, or personal topics, or controversial topics. I went to therapy and I learned a lot about myself. I’m not seeking as much external approval and I’m more comfortable talking in person about the tricky things I used to write about. I’ve really grown so much in the past 10 years.

And yet, I do still love to write. And I do still share a lot on social media. I suppose I’ll always be seeking approval and connection because those are very human things. This past year has been especially difficult in regards to connection. Maybe that's why blogging has been on my mind lately. A year of socially-distancing is taking a toll on everyone. I am so hopeful that better days are on the horizon. A beautiful rainbow will appear after the rain. What a joy and a treasure it will be to hug our friends and laugh freely without masks. To share snacks and see smiles and sit close together. And what a greater appreciation we will all have for those every day moments when we connect in person. May we just hold on a little longer until those days return. We will connect again.